15 Things to Say to Someone Struggling with their Mental Health

15 things you should say to someone struggling with mental illness, depression, or suicidal thoughts

When someone discloses that they’re struggles with their mental health, depression, or suicidal thoughts, it can feel overwhelming.

What I primarily hear from supportive caregivers, friends, and family members, is a strong desire to not say the wrong thing. For more on this, check out my blog post on 7 things not to say.

Caregivers desperately want to get it right. They want to connect with their loved one, be helpful, and offer support wherever they can. In order to help your heartfelt intentions with action - here is a list of 15 things that you absolutely can and should say to someone who is struggling.

“Thank you for telling me”

Treat your loved one’s disclosure for the treasure that it is. Letting them know how much it means to be trusted with their story helps individuals feel understood and like they’re not a burden for talking about their feelings. It also lets them know that you recognize how hard it can be to talk about how they’re feeling and instills a deep sense of connection.

“What is the hardest thing about what you’re going through?”

This question is deeply validating- especially when so many people rush to make people “better”. Show genuine curiosity and concern - really listen and affirm what feels the hardest for them. 

“I’m here to listen whenever you want to talk”

Create an open door policy that lets your loved one know that you are happy to listen more than just this once. Create an environment that lets them know you are willing to be there for them over and over again.

“I wanted to check in and see how you’re doing. We can talk about how you’re feeling or we can talk about the latest Taylor Swift album - up to you!”

Giving choices can honor your loved one’s autonomy while not ignoring their suffering. It puts the ball in their court - sometimes, it might feel best to vent. But you don’t want them to feel pressured to disclose how they’re feeling before they’re ready. In which case, let them know you’re happy to just be around them and talk about something else entirely if that is what they need.

“Does it ever get bad enough that you think about harming yourself or ending your life?”

Research tells us that talking about suicide doesn’t lead to suicide. In fact, most people who struggle with suicidal thoughts find it helpful to have someone else bring it up. Thinking about death and dying is a symptom of depression, but doesn’t automatically mean that an individual has a plan, the means, and intent to do something about it. If they do disclose a plan, means, or intent, get them professional help by calling 911 or 988, the national suicide prevention lifeline.

“What do you need most right now?”

This is a variation of the common statement, “let me know if there is anything I can do!” Rather than leaving someone with the awkward job of telling you what they need- ask! Listen attentively and help if you can (maybe they just need a hug, or someone to help them do their laundry). If its too big of a need (I just need to feel better ASAP!) you can listen and validate.

“I want to be of help this week - would it be best for us to have a night in together watching your favorite movie, for me to drop off a freezer meal or two and I’ll leave you alone, or for us to chat while I do your dishes or fold your laundry?”

Sometimes identifying one’s own needs while in pain can feel daunting. Offer a prompt to let them know the ways in which you would be happy to help. Give variations that require more or less social interaction or activity.

“I care about you so much. You’re not alone in this. I’ll be by your side”

The only thing worse than going through something painful, is going through it alone. Offer your support and reiterate how you are with them in this journey. It’s not your job to pull them out of it, but you can walk beside them as they find their way to healing.

“What keeps you alive and trying even though this is so hard?”

This question may help your loved one identify why they are not following through with suicidal thoughts while still validating how hard it is to suffer from mental health symptoms. Be supportive of their answers and highlight how important those reasons are.

“I can’t imagine how hard that is - I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I want to understand- will you tell me more?”

Sometimes when we say “I know how you feel” it can distance people from us, because they may feel you couldn’t possibly understand their individual pain. Remind them that while you can’t have a perfect understanding, you do have a deep well of empathy for them and you’re willing to listen.

“Have you considered talking to someone?”

This can be a triggering question if someone believes you are saying this from a place of judgment or you feeling overwhelmed by their problems. Be sure to remind them that the recommendation for therapy is because you believe they are deserving and worthy of specialized care and healing.

[listen listen listen]

Remembering to listen more than you talk is key to supporting someone who is in emotional pain. Utilize the acronym WAIT - Why Am I Talking - to help you determine when your input is needed or not. Utilize nonverbal cues to indicate you care, such as eye contact and nodding.

[follow up]

One of the hardest things I hear from clients is that they have had people stop reaching out. Many mental illnesses can lead to people feeling like they’re a burden on others, try to reassure that this is not true by staying present and consistent.

“Let’s just try to get through today”

Don’t worry too much about the future with the person you are caring for, focus on the present. Like talking to someone on a tightrope- help them by offering support at each small step, instead of rushing them to the end of the line. Take it one day at a time and try not to pressure them to have it all figured out, no matter how difficult the situation.

“I care about you so much, and this is how I can help.”

It’s ok to have boundaries while you support your loved one. Let them know how you can help, and put limits if you need to. For example, maybe let them know you can listen over the phone after your work hours, or that you can bring a meal once per week. It is important for you to also model self care- whether that is in the form of seeking your own therapy, or just creating time for yourself each day.

If you are in the process of supporting someone you care about through depression, suicidal thoughts, or other mental health concerns - thank you for being there for them.

As a therapist, I can tell you that supportive friends and family can make a huge impact on the trajectory of an individual’s progress. You are doing important work, and your words and influence matter!

I hope this list helps you feel prepared and competent in supporting someone in your life struggling with a mental illness, depression, or suicidal thoughts.

If you find yourself needing extra support in your care of someone struggling with their mental health, contact me for a free 15-minute consultation. I will do my best to help you or assist you in finding someone who is the right fit for your needs.